Some great jokes - Samuel Singh

OVERWEIGHT GUYANESE



A Guyanese is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the Guyanese returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The Guyanese nods. "Ah tell you, dough, I tat I was

gonno drap dead dat third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "Nah, from skipping."





SPEEDING TICKET



A police officer stops a Guyanese for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish ya’ll wuld get yuh act togedder. Just yesterday ya tek away meh license an den today you expect me fuh show it to you?"





THE VACUUM



A Guyanese was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



Here's some to refresh your memories

FINAL EXAM


The Guyanese reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "Ah finish de exam in half an hour, but ah double-checking meh answers."

Have we ever thought of dates? By Samuel Singh

Once again we are at the threshold of something very amazing. In this day and age, there are numerous states which we might find importan and which we would try to remember with each passing day. Whether we like it or not, you are important to each of us as an individual. A parent might remember the birthdays of the children, the date they got married. The young couple will remember the date they first met.The person in prison may be focused  upon the date of his release.

All a person has to do is take one course in history and all you notice that there are more dates and historical events than we will ever care to remember. Everything past, the current, and even the future has some significance to different people at different times.

Keeping all that in mind, the year 2011 has four very unusual dates, all four of which have just passed.For those who know anything about numerology, it is also supposed to be a very lucky year.


This year we will experience 4 unusual dates: 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11 & 11/11/11. Now, take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it will equal to 111. It’s true….crazy! Do the figures yourself, I did.

Https (by Samuel Singh)

Has anyone ever bought something online or made some transactions and you see that it is a secure site and some are not and you sometimes ask "what is the difference between http and https ?"

I don't know how many of you are aware of this difference, working on the assumption that there are those who happen not to know, I'll say that:

**The main difference between http:/// and https:// :

It's all about keeping you secure and not allowing your information to be sent all over the internet.

HTTP  itself happens to stands for Hyper Text Transfer Protocol;

The "S" stands for "Secure".. If you visit a website or web page, and look at the address in the web browser, it will likely begin with the following: http://

This is an indication that the website is talking to your browser using the regular 'unsecured language. In other words, it is possible for someone to "eavesdrop" on your computer's conversation with the website, and it has also been known to happen. If you fill out a form on the website, someone might see the information you send to that site. So it could happen to anyone, imagine filling out info on job sites or making purchases, if it is not secured, it could happen to anyone.

This is why you never ever enter your credit card number in an Http website! Unless you want your info shared with the world of course which I'm guessing you do not want happening.

But if the web address begins with https://, that basically means your computer is talking to the website in a secure code that no one can eavesdrop on. Thank goodness for that, privacy is something we should all be more interested in especially when it is our own information we happen to be talking about.

Thus, if a website ever asks you to enter your credit card information, you should automatically look to see if the web address begins with  https://  If it doesn't, you should NEVER enter sensitive information....such as a credit card number. Let's all make this a lasting habit.

The Changing Thoughts of Girls. - Samuel Singh

We have all seen things evolve over time and become more suited to the modern era. The thoughts of women and the way they behave happens to be no differrent. Here is what I found


Changing Thoughts of Girls

(Ladkiyo Ke Andaj Badle Gaye)





1980 - Love Me, But Don’t Touch Me

(Mujhe Pyar Karo, Lekin Mujhe Chuo Nehi)





1990 – Touch Me, But Don’t Kiss Me

(Mujhe Chuo, Lekin Mujhe Chumo Nehi)





2000 – Kiss Me, But Don't Do Anything Else

(Mujhe Chumo, Lekin Aur Kuch Mat Karna)





2005 – Do Everything with me, But Don't Tell Anybody

(Mujhse Sab Kuch Kar Lo, Par Kisi Ko Batana Nahi)





2011 – Do Everything with me, Otherwise I Would Tell Everybody That You Are A Novice

(Sub Kuch Karo, Warna Sub Ko Bata Dun Gi Ke Tum Ko Kuch Nahi Aata)

Erato Reborn by Samuel Singh

"Resting in High Heels" By Samuel Singh

The Coy Look by Samuel Singh

Many know that look where she stand up and turns slightly and gives you that look with her head turned slightly. Daring you to do something about her coy nature that inhibits your senses. The Coy Look.

THE CHOKING GHOST by Samuel Singh

After years of reading of different things and hearing about things and even a few personal encounters. I had even had enough of grim satisfaction reading juvenile works on yourghoststories.com just for the fun of pointing out to others which were fake and not. It seems as though my prayers to keep my life interesting had been answered when I had a friend walk up to me and said that they think they are being choked at night by a ghost. After speaking to him and trying the usual explanations to come up with something rational. I could find no answers so I decided once again to look further.


For reasons of privacy and fear of ostracism he does not want his name mentioned, so we’ll call him John. He, explained his situation to me once again a few days later as I was in the car with him and he was driving us over to his place. After arriving at his house I took one look around to see if anything visual would catch my eye for future reference and the only thing I saw was a graveyard at the end of the block.

As I waked in the neatly kept apartment I looked in the bedroom and felt nothing strange or unusual. John walked up behind me and tapped me on my shoulder to hand me a beer knowing me well enough to realize I would say it is thirsty work. I spoke to him of medical conditions and things that happen with people at times when they are awake but the body is still asleep and they experience a kind of paralysis.

John was looking at me as if I didn’t believe his supernatural encounter. But I continued explaining anyway that it was almost common and had to do with sleep patters of the brain.

In sleep you have decreased levels of consciousness and also of motor control. Usually these are suppressed simultaneously but not always since there is always the exception to the rule. Many people sometimes know of that particular state where you're almost asleep, slowly drifting, in this state your level of consciousness is severely suppressed yet not fully and you still have some conscious thought processes and state of awareness of your surroundings still present. However, you would be awake but your muscle function is still completely suppressed. These states are usually while falling asleep or waking up, could be either time. It is also known to happen if you come awake sometimes in the middle of sleeping and all of a sudden you simply cannot move. It can induce panic as you try multiple things to wake yourself up and figure out why you can‘t move. It is not dangerous and as far as I can tell, there is no treatment other that adequate and proper sleep patterns. It is just a matter of where the brain secretes a chemical that keeps your body from moving as you sleep. Upon awaking and conscious, you get sleep paralysis if the brain is still secreting that chemical.


I know that one of the most popular places for such things is in Hawaii where they happen to have a kind of urban legend. It also happens to be called the ‘choking ghost‘. It is said that in the middle of the night the ghost will come and sit on your chest or wrap a hand around your throat and strangle you. You can't move and you can't breathe. Supposedly it then releases you when you begin to think you're about to die.

Hawaii is not the only place known to have them. In Chinese culture the have what is known as the Fox Spirit, which is sleep paralysis, also widely known as gui ya shen or gui ya chuang, which literally translate into "ghost pressing on body" or "ghost pressing on bed." A more modern term is meng yan.

There is also a name for it in Japanese culture, where sleep paralysis is referred to as kanashibari, literally "bound or fastened in metal," from kane "metal" and shibaru, "to bind, to tie, to fasten". And I can continue with stories and names from numerous other cultures and countries. Such situations are not isolated to one place but happens to be worldwide.

While many of theses cases may have to do with sleep paralysis and the conscious awaking before the body does, it is not always the case. There are numerous cases where people awake and see images and figures around them. Many times some people who are troubled by spirits wake up with marks, and scratches. I even know of one occasion where I saw finger marks around someone’s neck.

While I told all of this to John, he rolled down his turtleneck sweater and showed me four perfectly formed finger bruises on his neck. After seeing that, I took the matter more seriously and started to do my research to help him cease having such encounters and I am happy to say that we were successful.

I am not saying all cases out there are credible, rather, that all causes are to be questioned. John’s case was a paranormal one and not one that had to do with sleep paralysis and I did test it before coming to that conclusion.

What makes these stories so great to hear about, is that they are as old as many cultures. They speak a lot about history, culture and in many cases, legends of the area. It is indeed an incredible learning experience to hear about these stories from various sources. Just be assured that many have a foundation in truth. Some may be discredited and all may be doubted. I just happen to come from a little country in South America named Guyana, that has known a lot of supernatural activity, and in some places they are quite common, it is a place where a common type of ghostly encounter is one with a choking ghost. Does that mean that all the people who have had those experiences and spoke of ghostly choking encounters are of sleep paralysis? Or, is it possible that it could be something else ?

(Picture used from http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org)

Geraldo Rivera letter by Samuel Singh

I am guessing that almost everyone if not everyone has heard of the Volcanic eruption in Iceland last year when Eyjafjallajökull caused enormous disruption to air travel across western and northern Europe over an initial period of six days in April 2010. During that time there were lots of so called experts on various things related to air travel among other things on television.

Either way, when going through some of my notes earlier I found a letter I had emailed and thought I'd share.

Hello Geraldo,


Just to let you know, I work for an airline at JFK and I just arrived home and switched on the TV and saw your show on. Everyone would agree that the volcano in Iceland is creating a huge problem for travelers. No one would know that more than the travelers and those airline employees that have to assist them.

I say you were misled and I sincerely mean it. You had a woman on the show who is from California and with a group that helps those passengers who are stranded. It is good that she is helping but this is where she is wrong. Ask any airline for a copy of the contract of carriage and they will gladly give it to you and you can see for yourself.

We at the airport and specifically at Delta have been trying our best to reroute people as the connections become available. However, there is almost no way we can get people out right now. The flights have been cancelled for a few days. There is a huge backup and when the European airports reopen, we have extra segments going in there to get our passengers out.

We cannot provide accommodations to all of these stranded passengers even if we wanted to because hotels are full. Also, for acts of nature or weather as well as air traffic delays or cancellations, NO AIRLINE will give accommodations to anyone. It is simply beyond our control, think about wanting to sue a bus company if you are on it and get to work late because there is a traffic jam. We have been working with the Red Cross and been sharing out cots and blankets for those stranded at the airports. Also, we managed to get in touch with NYC and Company to get discount rates to passengers who want a hotel on www.nycgo.com. For passengers who come from other places to travel to Europe, we even send them back home at our expense if they want to do that. Think about someone coming from Miami connecting at JFK going to Heathrow. Since we have no Heathrow flights, I send them back to Miami if they want, at the airline expense to travel when all is well or when they choose to. We have been giving meal vouchers to people to get something to eat several times a day. All of this we do not because we have to because we do not have to, we do it because we provide customer service and try to assist in whatever way we can. And she says we provide no customer service? I sincerely beg to differ.

She mentioned that giving vouchers or money for delayed flights or cancelled flights. That is true and I am usually one of the first to give a passenger whatever is due to them, HOWEVER, it is true when it is controllable. That is, if it can be controlled by the airline whether it is a delay or cancellation of our own making, eg; if the airline had a mechanical problem, maintenance, late crew, ship swap, or a passenger service delay or anything directly related to the airline that is controllable. It is NOT for acts of nature. I don't know about her, but I don't happen to have God on my speed dial to tell Him to stop the volcano. It is beyond our control.

I can honestly say that her information is not accurate and for the sake of the stranded passengers, please avoid having someone bashing the airline industry when I know for a fact we are doing all we can and even more.

I can try to answer any other questions you may have but I honestly had to write when I saw you were being misled on national televison and we in the airline industry are made to look like villains.

Respectfully Yours,

Samuel Singh

P.S If I made any grammatical errors, kindly excuse them.

( was addressed to Atlarge@foxnews.com" Atlarge@foxnews.com)

"Comparison and Contrast between West Indian and American Kids" -Samuel Singh

For those of us with the West Indian background you will see the humor and the truth in this, after all, all humor is based on some kind of truth. Enjoy the humor in this truth.


American/Canadian Kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.



West Indian Kids: Move out when they-are 28, having saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married..unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.






American/Canadian Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings a nice bundt cake and you sip coffee and chat.


West Indian Kids; When their Mon visits them she brings 3 days worth of food and begins to immediately tidy up, dust, and do the laundry






American/Canadian Kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them and its usually only on special occasions.


West Indian Kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00 and starts pruning the mango avocado trees. And if there are none, he will plant some!






American/Canadian Parents: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be okay plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.


West Indian Parents: No problem, leave your kids there and if they get out of line your parents can set them straight. Plus they get bathed, fed and sprinkled with powder, lavender, cologne or Limacol.






American/Canadian Kids: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.


West Indian Kids: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done.cash deal.






American/Canadian Kids: Will come over to visit their parents and get only cake and coffee, no more.


West Indian Kids: Will come over to visit their parents and get sweet potato-puddin', cornmeal porridge, ginger beer, coconut drops, a few bottles/cups of their favourite beverage and curry goat & rice. Then after dinner, drinks,time permitting there will be a "little something" as well to take home.






American/Canadian Kids: Think that being West Indian is a great thing.


West Indian Kids: Know that being West Indian is a great thing..






American/Canadian Kids: Never ask the reason you have no food.


West Indian Kids: Are the reason you have no food.






American/Canadian Kids: Will say "hello".


West Indian Kids: Will give you a big hug and a kiss, and pat you on the back.






American/Canadian Kids: Call your (friend's) parents Mr.. And Mrs.


West Indian Kids: Call your (friend's) parents Auntie & Uncle.






American/Canadian Kids: Have never seen you cry.


West Indian Kids: Cry with you.






American/Canadian Kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.


West Indian Kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together, in other words, just "lyming".






American/Canadian Kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.


West Indian Kids: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.






American/Canadian Kids: Know a few things about you.


West Indian Kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.






American/Canadian Kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.


West Indian Kids: Will kick the whole crowds' a-s that left you.






American/Canadian Kids: Are for a while.


West Indian Kids: Are for life.

"Info from Dr Steven Mak on fruits" by Samuel Singh

EATING FRUIT


This is informative!



We all think eating fruit means just buying fruit, cutting it up and popping it into our mouths. It's not that easy. It's important to know how and when to eat fruit.

What's the correct way to eat fruit?

 IT MEANS NOT EATING FRUIT AFTER A MEAL! FRUIT SHOULD BE EATEN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.


Eating fruit like that plays a major role in detoxifying your system, supplying you with a great deal of energy for weight loss and other life activities.

FRUIT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT FOOD.


Let's say you eat two slices of bread, then a slice of fruit. The slice of fruit is ready to go straight through the stomach into the intestines, but it's prevented from doing so. 
 In the meantime, the whole meal rots and ferments, and turns to acid. The minute the fruit comes into contact with the food in the stomach, and digestive juices, the entire mass of food begins to spoil.


Eat your fruit on an empty stomach, or before your meal! You've heard people complain: Every time I eat watermelon I burp, when I eat durian my stomach bloats, when I eat a banana I feel like running to the toilet, etc. This will not happen if you eat the fruit on an empty stomach. Fruit mixes with the putrefying other food and produces gas. Hence, you bloat!


Graying hair, balding, nervous outburst, and dark circles under the eyes - all of these will NOT happen if you eat fruit on an empty stomach.


There's no such thing as some fruits, like orange and lemon are acidic, because all fruit becomes alkaline in our body, according to Dr. Herbert Shelton who did research on this matter. If you have mastered the correct way of eating fruit, you have the Secret of Beauty, Longevity, Health, Energy, Happiness and normal weight.


When you need to drink fruit juice drink only fresh fruit juice, NOT from the cans. Don't drink juice that has been heated. Don't eat cooked fruit; you don't get the nutrients at all. You get only the taste. Cooking destroys all of the vitamins.


Eating a whole fruit is etter than drinking the juice. If you should drink the juice, drink it mouthful by mouthful slowly, because you must let it mix with your saliva before swallowing it. You can go on a 3-day fruit-fast to cleanse your body. Eat fruit and drink fruit juice for just 3 days, and you will be surprised when your friends say how radiant you look!


KIWI: Tiny but mighty, and a good source of potassium, magnesium, vitamin E & fiber. Its vitamin C content is twice that of an orange!


AN APPLE a day keeps the doctor away? Although an apple has a low vitamin C content, it has antioxidants & flavonoids which enhances the activity of vitamin C, thereby helping to lower the risk of colon cancer, heart attack & stroke.




STRAWBERRY: Protective Fruit. Strawberries have the highest total antioxidant power among major fruits & protect the body from cancer-causing, blood vessel-clogging free radicals.


EATING 2 - 4 ORANGES oranges a day may help keep colds away, lower cholesterol, prevent & dissolve kidney stones, and reduce the risk of colon cancer.


WATERMELON: Coolest thirst quencher. Composed of 92% water, it is also packed with a giant dose of glutathione, which helps boost our immune system. Also a key source of lycopene, the cancer-fighting oxidant. Also found in watermelon: Vitamin C & Potassium.


GUAVA & PAPAYA: Top awards for vitamin C. They are the clear winners for their high vitamin C content. Guava is also rich in fiber, which helps prevent constipation. Papaya is rich in carotene, good for your eyes.


Drinking Cold water after a meal = Cancer!


Can u believe this? For those who like to drink cold water, this applies to you. It's nice to have a cold drink after a meal, however, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you've just consumed, which slows digestion. Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer.. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.


A serious note about heart attacks.

HEART ATTACK PROCEDURE

Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. Sixty percent of people who have a heart attack while they're asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Be careful, and be aware. The more we know, the better our chance to survive.  

AWAKE by Samuel Singh

RED HAIR by Samuel Singh

Imagine the scene of her just sitting here waiting, knowing that as time passes each stroke of the charcol is making her immortal in something that will always outlive her when her firery red hair becomes grey.

MAA by Samuel Singh

MAA


Your physical remains lie on a pyre

and ceremonious oil and flowers are scattered

on the wrapped, small, frail figure that served inspiration

to this inquisitive heart. I remember your stories

of Moongazers, Dutchmen, Bacchu and the Estate

where you were acquainted with hard work.

Small in stature yet large in perspicacity

I grieve with others now you are home,

suffering ended,

fiery consummation beginning.

It reaches and blazes you to ashes,

but sparks remembrance not forgetfulness

of heatedly calm words of wisdom.

Within small minutes you return

“ashes to ashes and dust to dust”

and while not present

Yet, I saw.



By Samuel Singh

August, 2004

Dedicated to my grandmother Itwaria Brijlall

(1st April 1917 - 12 July, 2004)

who recently

Erato again, by Samuel Singh

She still looks as the Greek goddess Erato, with seduction and a sense of underlying longing, seducing the heart and asking them to come, come and created with me.

"Death and Hell" by Samuel Singh

To quote the Highwaymen "Death and hell are never full and neither are the eyes of men." We are also taught by the scriptures that the wages of sin is death. So, sooner or later that great equalizer will be there for us all.

Dark Portrait by Samuel Singh

Dark eyes, face that is shaded and dark by nature yet you see something sad in his face, something he is yearning, craving. He looks once again in the mirror asking for Forgiveness as his face is shaded even more with sin and guilt.

Staring after her - by Samuel Singh

There is something of quiet pain as he stares at her leaving, knowing that there is one life and maybe even one love in his life and he just saw her walk out of his. It's not anger he feels but a deep brooding sense of loss and a yearing for someone that can no longer be his.

BLUE RAIN by Samuel Singh

There she sits, in the middle of the world, oblivious to the world around her as the rain falls in blue droplets reflecting the world releasing tears for her because she no longer can

Lion heard by God, by Samuel Singh: Prayer of Healing by Samuel Singh

Lion heard by God, by Samuel Singh: Prayer of Healing by Samuel Singh

Forehead Jewel, by Samuel Singh

Erato, by Samuel Singh

"Old Year's Night" By Samuel Singh

OLD YEAR’S NIGHT

Dreams unfulfilled,
ideas lying in the gutters of
my study.
Scattered papers of thought
fluttering when the paint peeled door
opens.
The brown clock on the white wall
stares like a living
grotesque eye,
surveying with scorn
the unfulfilled.
It’s hands twitch further
to an hour that millions
await, and I,
turn in disgust
stressing upon my losses;
of communication,
identity,
pride
and truth;
the loss of a year many tell me; wasted
yet, much accomplished.
Another year, minutes away
And I vow;
Never to let,
Never to have,
Never to demonstrate;
fears,
shortcomings
and losses.
I will;
‘carpe diem et
Carpe ano.’

– By Samuel Singh
http://www.guyanajournal.com/poetry.html

THE ANGELS WARN By Balwant Bhagwandin (Excerpt from "I Hear Guyana Cry")

...the angels turn away

shamed by sight

of a people who would

make martyr of murderer

and common criminals

liberators

and declare the drug dealer absolved

by the 4Runners and foot-runners he owns

and the money he has to burn

celebrate the success of crime

the triumph of lies and liars

the downfall of honest endeavors

and men as moronic

for being sincere

and determine how full of fun

their day of demonstration is

by how many

muggings and maulings are executed

and women are molested downtown

and the number of workplaces shut down

and stores pillaged

and burnt down by fires lit

by a madman with a vision one-tracked

to the throne

who mock the messages

of Mahatma and Mandela

murder the messengers

of reconciliation

and giggle and jump-up

happy as a herd of swine

wallowing in its own excrement

as the tempo

of the drums of war grow

towards frenzy

and whisper

as if prayer:

Harken ye the words

of your children:

Walter, the most brilliant and humble,

betrayed and blown to bits

for his caution:

together cling

all you wretched and abused

with hands and hearts entwined and grounded

that they not be made to bear guns

to make this a no-man’s land!

Recall the laments

of your son Martin

and his disillusion and pain:

‘So jail me quickly, clang the illiterate door

if freedom writes no happier alphabet.’

and his admonition

like that of Donne

timeless and good for all men:

‘…all are involved!

all are consumed!’

and give heed

though late

so late

lest this your ‘nation’

self-styled and so-called

though sundered

and already splintered like wood for fire

indeed becomes the fuel

for a terminal conflagration

of its children’s creation!

Guyana Short Stories - Massacuraman, Ah so we come!

Massacuraman, Ah so we come!
Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

We pound de fofoo / Drink fofoo water / Eat dry coconut / Add steel drops / Drink coconut water

Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

Naked 'pon concrete / Shackled together / Slaves together!

Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

Bakku with guilders / Spanish e pesetas / British and de pound / Dem creole we language / But non can conquer! Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

Half-naked in de blazing sun / Leg-irons branding flesh / Pickaxe 'pon bricks / Bones cracking from stress /Psyches mangled together Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

Jumbie-lash and Black-lash / Gun, cutlass and Stick-lash / Cry Cuffy e Accra / Mek bakku run for cover Massacuraman, Ah so we come! / Ah wha we comfa / Ah wha we stanfa / Ah wha we look like / Ah so we com!

Guyana Short Stories - Nara Therapy fo' Dugla

Nara Therapy fo' Dugla
Doc, meh belly a hu't bad yo' know man!
Dugla, ah nara yo' got. Somebody bad-eye yo'?
Doc, ah t'ink it's a coolie jumbie.
Dugla boy, don' mek me buss out laughing now.
Me goin' 'noint yo' fo' nara.

Tek off yo' clothes and lie down 'pon de floor with yo' arms to yo' side, feet together and eyes to the ceiling.
Try to relax while ah get de rice, string, soft-grease and coc'nut oil to treat yo'.

Doc took a small handful of rice and wrapped it tightly with a piece of white cloth. He knotted the end of the cloth securely and applied some soft-grease to the tip to create a wick. Dugla stared down his nose as Doc placed the ball of rice on his belly button and then lit the wick with a match. Before the ball of rice could burn down to the knot, Doc would expertly complete the nara massage treatment.

Quickly lighting two sticks of incense, Doc started to measure Dugla's body for symmetry with a coarse piece of kite string. If Dugla's body contained any foreign jumbie or bakku, then it would be asymmetrical. His quivering lips reported the actions of this acquired Congo art: navel to left nipple - OK; navel to right nipple - OK; navel to left shoulder - OK; navel to right shoulder - OK; navel to left bigtoe - OK; navel to right bigtoe - OK. Doc then poured the warm coconut oil into the palms of his right hand and started to massage the nara from Dugla's belly. Doc worked swiftly, always moving from left to right as he placed his hands under Dugla's back then vigorously brought them together into a clasp just above the ball of rice. The nara massage would be followed by a drink of water from Doc's wooden bitter cup, which was carved out directly from a special herbal tree by the Amerindians. The massage and bitters would clear any belly-wuk or tummy pains that Dugla was suffering from. Doc completed the physical nara treatment by swiftly massaging Dugla's the neck, arms and then pulling all 10 fingers and toes until each made a cracking sound. Dugla's body was now flexible and certified road worthy and jumbie free.

As the soft-grease-coated wick burnt slowly and the room choked with the aromatic scent of agarbatti incense sticks, Dugla relaxed and Doc switched on the nara pyschotherapy, "So Dugla, ah wha' mek yo' t'ink it's a coolie jumbie?"

"Man Doc, ev'ryday ah just wan' to eat curry and roti. Recently, as soon as fowlcock crow, ah start daubing de bottom-house with fresh cowdung. But Doc, dat's nah all. Ah planted two jandie flags at de front gate and started praying to Krishna."

"Dugla boy, dat sounds like a bad coolie jumbie to me. When did it all start?"

Well, one day ah was walking down Sherrif Street when ah gave Baby, Harricharran's daughter, meh sweetboy whistle. Banna, de gyal gave me one cut-eye and suck-teet' and den flounced away. So ah took dat as hardcard, yo' know. A few days later dis small boy brings me a note from Baby to meet her in de alley behind her house at 10pm. So ah went to talk to her, but she was in no mood fo' long talk. Ah was confused bad when she said she's in love with me. Ah tried to reason with her about Harricharran, but de gyal had bad typee and pulled me down right dere in de alley. Now ev'ryday she's sending me chicken curry, channa, polowry, dall pouri and mittai. An' ev'ry night she waiting in de alley fo' me. Last night she tells me dat Harricharran knows 'bout me and dat he tek meh name to pandit Sharma in Delph Street. Further, she t'inks she's pregnant! Banna, a nearly shit mehself. Right dere and den meh belly-wuk started!"

"Dugla boy, yo' in big trouble now. Pandit Sharma ain't three cents, yo' know? I goin' rub you down with this asafetida to keep away the jandie spirits and bad-eye, but you must follow meh advice." "Dugla, marry Baby now and dig dutty before you end up a' backdam floating in de forty-feet trench."

Cowsila the Coolie Whore

(Based of the Guyanese Short story)

Perched cross-legged on the side of a broken down punt and admiring her reflection in the stagnant forty-feet trench, Cowsila, the coolie whore, smiled tantalisingly at the cane-cutters as they rushed home tired, sweaty and reeking of stale roti and fish curry. Cowsila had spent the earlier part of Friday cooking and daubing the bottom-house with fresh cow-dung. She then washed herself at the standpipe with carbolic soap and water from a galvanised zinc bucket. The water was cool and refreshing and came from the overhead vat that captured rainwater. Now she was ready for business. Long black hair gleaming with coconut oil that suffocated most of her head lice and nits, Cowsila smiled as she noticed Ramesh and Shivnarine eyeing up her voluptuous curves. She had worn her pink, body-hugging, bonded-knit dress because it was pay-day at the sugar estate and Cowsila had to provide for her lazy good-for-nothing man Rohit.
Rohit drank all day at the Indian Bull rum shop then he returned home to fill his belly with roti, squash curry and fried hassa fish. He had no idea where Cowsila got money or food from and just assumed that his wife either begged her family or friends for help. As soon as Rohit finished his food, he just sprawled out on the floor mat and slept.

Cowsila kept the mud hut tidy and cared for her man. She had a slate at Big Pi's grocery shop that could rival the country's national debt, so it was important for her to earn a living. Sometimes Big Pi would take payment in kind behind the jute bags of rice at the back of the shop. Big Pi was easy and pragmatic. In his own words, life was too short to worry. Sometimes he felt sorry for Cowsila and give her a small piece to buy fresh fruit and vegetables from the market.

Cowsila glanced down and noticed the tadpoles swimming at the bottom of the punt. It was the rainy season and the backdam was muddy. Little cock-a-belly fishes appeared in puddles along the dam and the croaking frogs, dogs barking and guinea fowls squealing sounded like a jam session at the jazz club. The hustle of the estate overseers, foremen, charge-hands and labourers heading back home jangling their cutlasses and metallic zinc carriers was dying off. Cowsila flinched as both head and crab lice recovered from temporary paralysis by carbolic fumes and began feeding on her blood. Long James went past on his bicycle as he shepherded his cows back home. Twilight was setting on the backdam and soon it would be dark enough for Cowsila to do business.

A few lady birds and candle flies buzzed by followed by the dreaded mosquitoes. Cowsila was just beginning to lose her patience when, like a zombie, Ramesh appeared from the side of the punt. Thank God, Cowsila muttered under her breath at the exact moment that Ramesh blurted out - how much? Hundred dollars, Cowsila replied. Banna that's a whole bottle-o-rum Ramesh thought for a second. Then he looked at Cowsila's charms and his blood boiled. Awright! Ramesh disappeared with Cowsila behind Sproston's punt to seal the deal.

Guyanese Limerics Medley "Small Days Medley"

Guyana Short Stories - Small Days Medley

Ole man pappy t'ief fowl egg / Goin' de shop an buy gil bread. Mosquito one Mosquito two / Mosquito jump in de ole man shoe / Tell Maria marry to Jacob just because he does walk an' shake up, walk an' shake up. Peter Rabbit eat fish alligator catch 'e / 'e catch alligator father eating rotten potatoes (spelling PREFACE).


Small Days is Still on Meh Mind

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?
Children Children?
Yes Mama!
Where you been to?
Grandmama!
And what she give you?
Bread and cheese!
And where is mine?
On the shelf!
How can I get it?
Climb de chair!
And suppose I fall?
Me nah care!
Bad Picknie!
Me nah care!
Wicked Picknie!
Me nah care!

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

On your carpet
You must be
Like a roses
Sugar and tea
Bright and shining
You must be
And save those kisses for me!

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
For she likes sugar and I like plum.

So! Let me see yuh motion tra la la la la.
Oh let me see you motion, tra la la la la.
So! Let me see yuh motion tra la la la la.
For she likes sugar and I like plum.

There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
There's a coloured girl in de ring tra la la la la.
For she likes sugar and I like plum.

Oh skip across the ocean, tra la la la la.
Oh skip across the ocean, tra la la la la.
For she likes sugar and I like plum.

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

Brown skin girl stay home and mind baby.
Brown skin girl stay home and mind baby.
I am going away in a sailing boat
And if ah don't come back
Trow 'way de dam baby!

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

Sly mongoose, dog know yuh name.
Sly mongoose, yuh ain't got no shame.
Mr. Mongoose walk in the white man's kitchen
Tief out one ah he big fat chicken
Put um inside he waistcoat pocket, sly mongoose.

Missy Gal, Missy Gal, Missy Gal, Missy Gal
Ah wha mek yuh brazen so?

Missy Gal, Missy Gal, Missy Gal, Missy Gal
Ah wha mek yuh brazen so?

Meh come from de country
Down to de town and dah mek meh brazen so!

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

O lard de bucket got a hole in de centre
And if yuh think a telling lie
Push yuh finger
O lard de bucket got a hole in de centre
And if yuh think a telling lie
Push yuh finger.

Small days is still on meh mind
Small days is a good good time
De neighbours got some little children
And when de singing and dancing
Ah does really admire dem!
And what de singing?

Miss Mary had some dry-head children, dry-head children
Miss Mary had some dry-head children, dry-head children
Black man sala pound masala!
Putegee bumba fart cucumber!
Coolie water rice, pork and spice
Wash yuh batie with dhal and rice!

Children stop playing and come inside now!
Girl! Boy! Go-lang home nuh
Before yuh mudder kill yuh!

Our Beliefs

Mary's Lamb

Think carefully about what you will be reading.

..Mary, had a little Lamb,

His fleece was white as snow.

And everywhere that Mary went,

The Lamb was sure to go.

He followed her to school each day,

T'wasn't even in the rule.

It made the children laugh and play,

To have The Lamb at school.

And then the rules all changed one day,

Illegal it became;

To bring The Lamb of God to school,

Or even speak His Name!

Every day got worse and worse,

And days turned into years.

Instead of hearing children laugh,

We heard gun shots and tears.

What must we do to stop the crime,

That's in our schools today?

Let's let The Lamb come back to school,

And teach our kids to pray!

It is said that 86% of American, Canadian, & British people believe in God. Why don't we just tell the other 14% to be quiet and sit down????

Our Burdens in Life

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised aglass of water and asked, 'How heavy is this glass of water? '

Answers called out ranged from 8oz. to 20oz.

The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. Itdepends on how long you try to hold it.''If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for anhour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'llhave to call an ambulance.''In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, theheavier it becomes.'

He continued, 'And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomesincreasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.''As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while andrest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry onwith the burden.

''So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down.Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow.''Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment ifyou can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short.

Enjoy!

'And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you'rethe statue.

2* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have toeat them.

3* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in themiddle of it.

4* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by theirMaker.

5* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it wasprobably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as awarning to others.

8* Never buy a car you can't push.

9* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because thenyou won't have a leg to stand on.

10* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleeplate.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer youlive.

15* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be theworld to one person.

16* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

17* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some arepretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are differentcolors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on adetour.

The Bath

After Exercises

Sketch

Nature's Virgin

Mistress and her Maid

Does Guyana have people or some other specie?

We've all heard the term that "the world is coming to an end." I know that my sister uses it often when she sees certain things happening. What I would like to say now is simply that I know that has gone to the dogs, but I didn't think that human beings could behave worse than dogs. Whoever is responsible for the murders that rocked Guyana over the past weekend need to be killed and although I'm a God fearing man, I would feel no remorse to see thier bodies lying on the road with marks of every concieveable torture. Anyone who would go on a killing spree and kill 11 people, 5 of whom were children aged 4 to 12 deserves no sympathy from anyone. Futhermore, any elected official who does not use the full weight of the law and every resource possible to hunt these lowlives down does not deserve to remain in thier post. I make no comment as to what will happen to them after they are caught. It is a sin to wish harm on another human being but, anyone who could have done what was done is not a member of the human race and should be treated as such and if wishing them harm is a sin then my soul is stained. If you still don't understand my anger, I urge you to take one long look that picture and check the Kaiteur news online then respond.

Guyana; The Devil's

If you're actually wondering why I actually placed this name on this particular piece of art then look at the picture and tell me what you see.

Original Burnham prayer

For those that have seen what was written. I also scanned the sheet that it was originally found.

"PRAYER FOR BURNHAM"

I came upon this letter among some keepsakes and papers that my father has and I saw something that made me shiver. I see that we truly had a huge problem in Guyana and I see an inkling as to how people lived. However the monstrosity of the words still remain. Read for yourself and see how it is.

A Prayer to
COMRADE GOD BURNHAM
By the rate prayers of Guyana

O, High, Mighty and Most Exalted father, Doctor Linden Forbes Sampson Burnham, we Your penitent Guyanese slaves do Most Solemnly and Benignly Pray unto thee, O Father to heed our mouse like prayer in this time of distress. This is the time Most Cynical Father when your Most Condign Wrath hath descended upon us, unworthy mouses, we not having voted You to Your Lefty Position usurped for as long as Your Majesty has been God of this land which has been ravished by You and Your Archangels. We pray Thee, Our Dear Father, that You forgive that eloquent trespass and consider in Your Cunning Wisdom, Dear Sir Oracle, to instruct your Angels and Archangels of the Regional Councils to stay their Mighty Hands and do not tax us for ‘amenities’ which, Thou and They, Omnipotent Father, have so craftily devoured in Your notoriously pernicious seventeen year de facto ruse.

Dear Lord Almighty, we ingrates are sacrificing our families and children to appease Your Most Voracious appetite for wealth and food in the hope that the defiled dropping may descend on our ungrateful plates. Concerning this great increase in our rates, Deear Jehovah Father, we Thy contrite bondservants, would have come to Thee personally or signed our condemned names to a petition addressed to Your Most satanic Majesty, but O Vulcan, God of Fire and Brimstone, we are painfully aware of Your immoral but delectable demise of Walter Rodney and Father Darke among other miscreants.

Dear God, as the British beg their God to save their Queen, so we, Guyanese, beg You, Most Honoured Demonaical God of Guyana to save us, despicable Guyanese, from misery, starvation and increasing oppression.
For these mercies, we pay homage to Thee, Most High God, father of all future Generations of Guyanese, in the names of Your Trusted Obedient and diabolical Servants:

Sase Narine, Priest of maha sabha
And Rabbi Washington, Priest of the
Church of Israel.

"The Writer" A Self Portrait

A self portrait.

Celestial lady

I did this one for my friend Ana. She needed a bit of cheering up.

Nidhi James

Minnie Gupta 2

Minnie Gupta

Prayer for Favors

I came across this prayer and thought it was interesting. I don't know if it works and I know its not magic. True prayer comes from your heart. But, this can help you with the words.



Dear Jesus - Prayer for Favors

Dear Heart of Jesus: In the past, I have asked for many favors. This time, I ask you this very special one (mention favor). Take it dear Jesus and place it within your own broken heart, where your father sees it. Then, in your merciful eyes, it will become your favor, not mine. Amen.

Say this prayer for 3 days, promise publication and your favor will be granted. Never knownto fail.

The Look, Nadira $

Nadira 3

The second piece of Nadira

The Veil

There is only so much a person can do to hide their beauty. Even behind a veil, their beauty still shines radiantly though.

The Look. Nadira Williams

This bit of art was inspired by Miss Nadira Williams. I sincerely hope she likes it.